Sometimes the thought hits me like a ton of bricks: “My husband has cancer.” When those moments come I usually stop whatever I’m doing, go give Cory a hug and tell him I love him. Sometimes after these moments I cry or sometimes I look up statistics for survival rates online or I smile. Tonight I had one of these thoughts and I took to my computer to look up information on non-hodgkins lymphoma for the hundredth time, but instead I decided to blog and give you a peak into some of my honest thoughts as a wife and supporter of someone with a cancer diagnosis.
Most days I don’t think about cancer, in some ways I feel blessed that his cancer is slow growing (AKA no chemo or radiation yet) and laugh without fear of the future. And then, I have moments where I remind myself, “your husband has cancer, this is a big deal.” It is strange to live in this spectrum of thoughts. At the end of the day, we believe that death is certain for every person and God knows our every breath. I can rest in that. I was taught to think about worst case scenarios and figure out how I would handle them so that I would be prepared if said scenario ever happened. (Ask me sometime when I’m driving over a bridge what I would do if the bridge gave way and my car was going underwater. I think of a plan every. single. time. I drive over a bridge.)
So I’ve applied this thinking to Cory having cancer. Worst case scenario for us is also a best case scenario. You see, because I know Cory trusts and follows Jesus if the worst case scenario happens, he will then get to be face to face with Jesus, the very best scenario. I can tell you, I am NOT ready for that day. Selfishly, I want to grow very old with my husband, I want us to see Rylie all grown up and who she becomes. But mostly, I just want to get to wake up with him each morning, serve the Lord with him each day and fall asleep curled next to his side. I have no idea how the Lord will order the steps of our life but I know that He is good, I know that He is with us and I know that He is sufficient for yesterday, today and tomorrow. I know that whatever circumstances we face will help to make us more like Christ and really that’s the goal. So we will continue on trusting Him with each day and looking for opportunities to give Him the praise He deserves.
*In proof reading this I laughed at myself because this is NOT the blog I set out to write. I set out to tell you about some surface level things and apparently my heart went a different direction.
2 Corinthians 5:1-9
5 For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2 For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, 3 if indeed by putting it on[a] we may not be found naked. 4 For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5 He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. 6 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, 7 for we walk by faith, not by sight. 8 Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. 9 So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. 10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.